Life goes on. With or without you

Life goes on. With or without you

It’s so much easier to disconnect from a partner in advance, because of fear of rejection. We step back, scared, worried and expect to be hurt. We assume that they will reject us, because sometimes they did say no to spending time with us or making love. Somehow it’s so easy to take one no, or maybe later and see it as a rejection forever.

What was your big rejection that lead you to believe that nobody loves you? For me it was a month long separation from my parents when I was in hospital when I was only 7 months old. This separation was very traumatic for me and still influences my beliefs about myself, my relationship and all areas of my life.

It’s incredibly frustrating to see myself repeating certain behaviours again and again. I am aware of some of them. Using willpower and determination to change them will only bring me to a certain spot. There’s only so much willpower every day. It has been a struggle to stay connected most of my life. At the slightest signs of rejection I step back, afraid to be hurt. I expect to be rejected. Yet, again and again I come back from my emotional hiding place, trying to connect and stay connected.

However, I forget that life doesn’t stop for others, while I am hiding or away in another country or just at work. My life goes on as well. Yet, I expect them to drop everything when I am there, to be with me, like they couldn’t when I was fighting for my life in the hospital. As an adult I still try to fix a connection that broke, that was interrupted when I was little. Your interruption in connections probably looks different then mine. Staying connected to myself through writing, painting and Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping helps me to stay connected with the people I love. One moment at a time.

Life goes on. No matter what happens in our life, life goes on for all the people in our life.
It goes on and we have no choice. Life had to go on for my parents when I was lying in the hospital fighting for my life when I was little. They had no choice, they were not allowed to see me for a whole month. One weekly phone call, if they got through on the busy line, to find out how I was doing. Life went on. They had to take care of my three sisters, go to work and continue living. As long as we live we have no choice but to keep on living, to keep on going.

Life went on for me. Separated from my parents, fighting for my life. I don’t know exactly what happened to me during that time. I can only assume that the fear of hospitals that took me 18 years of conscious work to overcome, stems from that time. I recognized that fear while visiting someone in a hospital. Only after I gave birth to my youngest son, did I overcome that fear. Things that I experienced, lived, heard, saw, witnessed during that time still impact my life. It feels as if the memories formed layers in my personality. This experience shaped and formed me in ways I am mostly unaware off.

I always complain that my family’s lives goes on when I am in Austria to visit from Canada. As does my life most of the time when my family comes to visit me in Canada. Yet, I am always very hurt, when everyone continues to work, take vacations, meet friends and live their lives. Part of me expects them to stop their life when I come and just be here for me.

Like they couldn’t be when I was in the hospital. I am quite certain that I was on my parents mind a lot while I was there. This month of my life still influences how I think, feel and how I live my life now.
I have used EFT tapping to look at many different aspects of that time. I don’t know if I will ever be free of it nor if I want to be. I was all alone fighting for my life in that hospital and because of that I often feel disconnected from the family I love.

I could wish that this had never happened in my life. But it has happened and it brought me to where I am right now in my life. It influenced greatly how I have lived my life until now. I am not sure if I would change it or erase it if I could. I really don’t know. I know that it’s part of my life and that I can’t change that. However what I can do is to step away from feeling like a victim.

Through EFT tapping on different aspects of that time I have seen good things that came out of that time. My whole life it was easy for me to connect with strangers, even though I am a very shy person. I always knew who I could trust. Strangers have come into my life many times to help me when I needed help the most.
I never ever thought that something good would come out of that time.

I would have died if it wasn’t for all those strangers, who became like family, in a strange place that became my home for a short period in time. Since then, wherever I go in the world I feel at home, among strangers I always feel like I am with family.

How can I demand from others to put their lives on hold for me? No matter what’s going on in my life, my life always goes on.
It’s my choice to look at the trauma I have experienced. I choose to wake the sleeping giants, which influence my life. I want to face them head on. I have lived with their subconscious influence for way to long. Is it fun? Is it easy to deal with all the pain? No, but I don’t want to live with this chronic emotional pain and its effects any longer.
Will I be able to change everything? I have no clue. But, I would rather do this, then step back and let it run my life. This is my life and I choose how it goes on.

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