Category: Uncategorized

Direct communication is very important

I’ve never had as much time alone with my Dad as in the last two weeks. My Mom is in the hospital. Somehow most communication between my Dad and I, always went through my Mom, because she was always there. It seemed normal.

That’s just the way it was. Unless one looks around and wonders if certain behaviours are different, it is assumed that everyone else does it the same way.

Men have told me that they have felt left out within their family because of this indirect communication. For different reasons they didn’t have as much time alone with their kids as their wives. They feel helpless. The kids assume that their dads have no interest in them, when they just feel insecure and are many times expected to do everything exactly as their wife does with their children.

A fear of losing the connection with their child, not wanting to share them, believing they only know what’s best for the child might be the motivators for moms to not allow direct communication between child and father.
The problem is that this teaches how communication happens. If it is normal for a person to talk through someone instead of direct communication. a lot of misunderstandings can happen.

In an intimate relationship, a wife may not speak directly with her partner, because that’s the way they learned how to communicate. Instead of talking about feelings with their partner, they get opinions from friends, which could never be accurate.

We may be afraid to speak with our partner about a problem directly because we are afraid of their feelings and reactions. Maybe we heard “ just wait until Dad comes home” way too many times from our mothers.
Sometimes we talk with someone else about how we feel because we don’t want to hurt our partners.

How can our partner know what’s going on when we don’t talk about it. Even though we think we know our partner very well, how they feel, how they think, we actually don’t.

People change and grow and they may have reacted in a certain way in the past doesn’t always mean they will do so now. We just assume they will.
When we don’t communicate directly with our partner we take away the opportunity to get to know them and us better. We deny us moments of deep intimacy and seeing the changes both of us have made.

Life is not static. It is ever changing, not one moment is the same as the other. Not one conversation is the same as the other.

Talking directly with my Dad showed me that I have the same sense of humor as he does. That made me feel more connected with him.It’s never too late to speak directly with the people in our life. It may be a bit scary and unfamiliar at first yet it is worth it.

Text and Photo by Karin Goldgruber

Karin Goldgruber writes about life as a Highly Sensitive Person HSP, how to reduce feelings of stress and overwhelm and how to find authentic answers to your life questions.
She is a Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner who specializes in working with HSPs who experience problems in their relationship and life because of this innate trait.
As a Highly Sensitive Person herself she has overcome many challenges and obstacles and encourages and empowers others to do the same.

www.karingoldgruber.com

The good old days are now

Even though I am enjoying stronger winds, breathtaking fall colours and crisper air, I have noticed that I don’t want to accept that summer has ended.

To make things worse, people are already worrying about another long, ice cold winter. This greedy yearning for the past and worrying about an unknown future make it difficult to enjoy the present as much as I would like to.
I am aware that it is only human to want more of what we had and to be well prepared for the future.

Yet both are a waste of time, no one can change the past or command the future.

When I don’t yearn for the past or worry about the future, I am more aware and enjoy the present one moment at a time.

Slowing down, living one moment at a time and making conscious choices eliminates regret, sorrow and yearning for the past for me. Then I make great choices and I feel confident, capable and certain. Thus reducing worry and uncertainty about future events that I can’t control.

Karin Goldgruber writes about life as a Highly Sensitive Person HSP, how to reduce feelings of stress and overwhelm and how to find authentic answers to your life questions.
She is a Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People who experience problems in their relationship and life because of this innate trait.
As a Highly Sensitive Person herself she has overcome many challenges and obstacles and encourages and empowers others to do the same.

www.karingoldgruber.com   Photo by Karin Goldgruber

 

Die gute alte Zeit ist jetzt

 

Obwohl ich den stärkeren Wind, atemberaubende Herbstfarben und die kühlere Luft genieße, habe ich bemerkt, dass ich nicht akzeptieren möchte, dass der Sommer zu Ende ist.

Um es noch schlimmer zu machen, machen sich die Menschen bereits Sorgen über einen weiteren langen, eiskalten Winter. Diese gierige Sehnsucht nach  der Vergangenheit und die Sorge um eine unbekannte Zukunft machen es schwierig, die Gegenwart so zu genießen, wie ich es gerne möchte.

Mir ist bewusst, dass es nur menschlich ist, mehr von dem zu wollen, was wir hatten, und für die Zukunft gut vorbereitet zu sein.

Doch beides ist reine Zeitverschwendung, niemand kann die Vergangenheit ändern oder die Zukunft bestimmen.

Wenn ich mich nicht nach der Vergangenheit sehne oder mir keine Sorgen um die Zukunft mache, bin ich mir der Gegenwart sehr bewusst und genieße sie.

Wenn ich mir Zeit nehme,einen Moment nach dem anderen zu leben und bewusste Entscheidungen zu treffen, beseitigt dies, die Trauer, den Kummer und die Sehnsucht nach der Vergangenheit für mich.

 Dann treffe ich gute Entscheidungen und fühle mich zuversichtlich, fähig und sicher. Dadurch werden Sorgen und Unsicherheiten über zukünftige Ereignisse, die ich nicht kontrollieren kann, weniger.

 

Karin Goldgruber schreibt über das Leben als hochsensible Person HSP, wie man Gefühle von Stress und Überforderung reduziert und authentische Antworten für ihre Probleme findet.

Sie ist eine zertifizierte Praktikerin für emotionale Freiheit Techniken (Klopfakupunktur), die sich auf die Arbeit mit hochsensiblen Menschen spezialisiert hat, die aufgrund dieser angeborenen Eigenschaft Probleme in ihrer Beziehung und ihrem Leben haben.

Als hochsensible Person hat sie viele Herausforderungen und Hindernisse überwunden und andere dazu ermutigt und unterstützt, dasselbe zu tun.

 

www.karingoldgruber.com           Foto von Karin Goldgruber

 

Creating space to breathe

When was the last time you have evaluated the progress you have made as a person?

When something in our relationship is tough and painful all our attention is on it. We focus on making it better. When the situation is improved, it’s the new norm and we don’t see it any longer. We don’t appreciate what we have accomplished. We take it for granted. We are continuously unsatisfied with ourselves and stressed out.

By paying attention to my reactions to stress and overwhelm I’ve observed that I have a container that holds my feelings of stress. For many years this container was always filled to the top. When one stressful thing happened, it would overflow. Mostly into my relationship. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed was my norm. Only now can I see how bad it was.

Over time I have created breathing room in myself through the regular use of EFT Emotional Freedom techniques.The container is no longer full all the time. When something unexpected happens, and it always does, I have this extra space to breathe and respond in a better way. I am not as quickly overwhelmed and have time to think logically. I start tapping to reduce the current stress and make smart choices. Being more relaxed and calmer gives me the opportunity to reflect and compare. I see the progress I have made.

New states of operating quickly feel like the norm. It’s so easy to forget how bad it was before.

We need to compare and be aware of the positive changes we have made in our life and our relationship. Be proud and delighted of what we have accomplished. Human nature wants us to quickly move on and do more and better.

Take the time to speak about shifts you notice within you and your relationship.Then you will see that you dealt with a situation that maybe a year ago you would have not been able to handle at all. You see how much progress you have made.

Consistently reducing stress helps you to be stronger, calmer and better prepared as life presents you with challenges. We finally take ownership of our feelings and reactions. We start to regulate our own feelings. We begin to stand on our own two feet.

For our Spanish speaking readers

Creando espacio para respirar
¿Cuándo fue la última vez que evaluaste el progreso de tu desarrollo personal?
Cuando algo en nuestra relación es duro y doloroso, toda nuestra atención está, sin duda, puesta en ello y nos enfocamos en mejorarlo. Cuando la situación mejora, no vemos la nueva norma. No apreciamos lo que hemos logrado. Lo damos por hecho. Estamos, continuamente, estresados e insatisfechos con nosotros mismos.

Al prestar atención a mis reacciones al estrés y al agobio, he observado que tengo un contenedor que carga con mis sentimientos de estrés. Durante muchos años, este contenedor siempre estuvo lleno hasta el tope. Cuando sucedía algo estresante, se desbordaba. Principalmente en mi relación. Sentirme abrumada y estresada era mi norma. Solo ahora puedo ver lo malo que fue.

Con el tiempo, he creado espacio, en mí misma, para respirar, mediante el uso regular de las técnicas de libertad emocional de EFT. El contenedor ya no está lleno todo el tiempo. Cuando sucede algo inesperado -que siempre sucede- tengo este espacio extra para respirar y responder de una mejor manera. Ya no me abrumo tan rápido y tengo tiempo para pensar lógicamente. Empiezo a hacer “tapping” para reducir el estrés actual y tomar decisiones inteligentes. Estar más relajada y tranquila me da la oportunidad de reflexionar y comparar. Veo el progreso que he hecho.

Los nuevos estados de funcionamiento se sienten rápidamente como la norma. Es muy fácil olvidar lo malo que antes era. Necesitamos comparar y estar conscientes de los cambios positivos que hemos realizado en nuestra vida y nuestra relación.

Siéntete orgulloso y encantado de lo que has logrado. La naturaleza humana quiere que avancemos rápidamente y que hagamos más y mejor. Tómate el tiempo para hablar sobre los cambios que notas dentro de ti y de tu relación. Luego verás que te enfrentas a una situación que tal vez hace un año nohubiera podido manejar en absoluto. ¿Ves cuánto progreso has hecho?

La reducción constante del estrés te ayuda a ser más fuerte, más tranquilo y mejor preparado a medida que la vida te presenta desafíos. Finalmente tomamos posesión de nuestros sentimientos y reacciones. Comenzamos a regular nuestros propios sentimientos. Comenzamos a pararnos sobre nuestros propios pies.

Traducción de Blog original por Roberto Fuerte y Aydeli Ríos.

Translation by Roberto Fuerte and Aydeli Rios proof read by Judith Garcia

Original English blog version and picture by Karin Goldgruber

 

Rekindling a dream

Like a tsunami betrayal washes over me, taking everything I have believed in, hoped for, and trusted in with it. Destroying everything.
My parents won’t allow me to become a visual artist.
I was certain that they would support me. I was wrong.

A deep hopelessness envelopes me, seeps into every part of my being, as the cold creeps into your bones on some looming winter nights. Everything is covered in beautifully deceiving ice crystals.

The pain is so strong that I separate myself from myself. I surrender my dream, so I can continue living. I step outside myself. I observe, as part of me lives a life that is dictated and shaped by what others think is best for me. I take the path that was chosen for me.

Most of my life I judged myself quite harshly for accepting it . I criticized myself and only saw when I surrendered my will. I didn’t see the great choices I made.
Not having a choice in my education and career made me determined to support my sons in their career choices.

Now it is time for me to look at some of my old dreams. Will I study art because I couldn’t before or will I study something else or will I even go to University?

First I had to make my peace with my younger self. I had to acknowledge that she couldn’t speak up, it wasn’t her fault. It was a different time. She didn’t have any life experience.

Even though I never attended University I have continued my education since then. I have studied things that drew me to them. Things I loved. It never seemed like hard work because I loved what I was learning.

My dream of attending University is still very strong, yet as of now writing, doing presentations and working with Highly Sensitive People is more important.
Whether I attend University is really irrelevant. What matters is that it is my free choice.
I no longer feel like I am watching myself living a life I don’t want. I am living my life.

Blog and picture by Karin Goldgruber

Things I have remembered since I’ve started to run

1. If I want different results I need to do things differently

For years I have unsuccessfully used willpower to get myself to run consistently. I like running yet it took me some time to see that I didn’t like running alone.
When I used EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques to look at the resistance to run alone, I discovered that I had a core belief that it’s dangerous. No wonder will power only worked a couple of days every time before I would do anything to avoid running. Don’t be held back by what you assume is holding you back, look deeper.

2. Just because I love something, doesn’t mean I have to own it.

Every morning I see people who walk their dogs. I like to pet them or play with them. Yet I don’t want to own a dog. Just because it brings moments of joy to me doesn’t automatically translate to it providing me an ongoing state of joy if I owned it. We can over gorge on more than just food.

3. I take many of my skills and much of my knowledge for granted.

Most of my life I was sure that others know as much about botany as I do. Since I grew up surrounded by it, it seemed only natural, common sense. I was surprised to learn that most people know very little about it.
We often sell ourselves short assuming that everyone has the same knowledge and skills. Therefore we miss opportunities to stand out and use our expertise.

4.There’s a season for everything

The mornings are getting cooler, the sun rises a bit later every day and sets earlier. Fall is slowly and gently approaching. I won’t be running in the winter, it’s much too cold. Just because we enjoy something it doesn’t make sense to keep doing it constantly.
We forget that when we come back to it that there’s joy and we notice that we missed it.

5. Sometimes I am just not properly prepared

This morning it was quite cool and I was under dressed. As I shivered I considered turning back and changing clothes. I am glad I didn’t, I picked up my pace and soon I was warm. Due to the added incentive of keeping warm, I was able to run at a much faster pace than I would have usually attempted.
Being obsessed with being perfectly prepared adds so much stress to my life and I sometimes waste time, preparing for emergencies that never happen. Therefore robbing me of opportunities to grow and adapt under pressure.

6. Sometimes I forget what makes me happy, even though it’s easy for me to be happy.

There are so many little things that make me happy. The sounds of early birds, the air on my face, the first rays of sun on my skin. The smells and different colours of flowers. The way my body feels when I run.
My heart and soul fill up with joy, love and gratitude when I am in nature. I am happy.

It’s easy to get lost and only focus on big events and achievements that are supposed to make us happy. We forget that the little moments of happiness that are not pursued are the ones that sustain us during the time that passes between big happy moments.

7. Sometimes I need to take a break and sometimes I need to push myself

Some days I feel too lazy or tired to even run for five or ten minutes. Yet when I push myself and leave the house, I end up feeling great because I overcame my inner resistance.
This however does not mean that on the days where I have already run my fair share and my ankles are killing me that I have to force myself to finish no matter the damage it does.

Knowing the difference isn’t always easy. Listening to how my body feels every day is becoming simpler. Being okay with just running for the joy of running takes off the pressure of comparing myself to others or having expectations of distances and times. Some days I push myself to sprint when I am tired, other days I walk home and pick flowers.
Both are necessary.

Karin Goldgruber writes about life as a Highly Sensitive Person HSP, how to reduce feelings of stress and overwhelm and how to find authentic answers to your life questions.
She is a Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People who experience problems in their relationship because of this innate trait.
As a Highly Sensitive Person herself she has overcome many challenges and obstacles and encourages and empowers others to do the same.

www.karingoldgruber.com

What you think about yourself matters

Even though I am at a family gathering, I feel alone. I listen in to the conversations. I find them shallow. I hate it when people talk about other people. It’s not even just talking harshly about others. It’s the comparisons, the comments about other’s choices and actions that really annoy and infuriate me. It’s the incomprehension that the other is not the lesser.

My biggest fear is that when I leave, they will talk about me.

What would they say?

“I don’t get it? Why does she do that? It makes no sense to me. She should do it this way.”

As a little girl I figured that since my family talked about everyone else in their absence, they must also talk about me in mine. It worried and scared me. The person who was talked about was singled out. Separated from the rest of the family. Different than the others.
I started to hide and isolate and flee into any other world I could find, within my mind and outside it.

I wrongly concluded that because they talked about me that I didn’t belong. I didn’t see that they talked about everyone. That they talked about them because they cared. That they didn’t talk about people that didn’t matter.

I started to see that conclusion as truth.
Diligently I collected evidence to confirm and validate my truth.
I felt excluded even though I had denied an invitation. I felt cast out when I retreated from family events because I was overwhelmed. I kept finding more and more evidence.

My mind twisted things around. I would read into things that were not even there. I was only looking for evidence that I didn’t belong. I only saw the world through my lenses, I only heard words through my filters. I filtered out anything that didn’t fit the parameters of my worldview.

Most of my life, my thoughts and beliefs about me were dependent on what I thought that my family said or believed about me. If I thought they liked me, I liked myself. If I thought someone didn’t like me I questioned myself. I have since learned that their feelings, thoughts and comments have nothing to do with me, only them.
I stopped talking badly about myself in my head. I began to like myself and feel comfortable with my choices and decisions. I stopped questioning myself. I began to be the only authority in my life.

I din’t need my family’s approval of my life and my choices any longer. I didn’t need to be liked by my family because I like myself.
I wasn’t scared to be talked about, commented on. It doesn’t matter what they say about me.
It matters what I know about myself.

I have decided to express my love and appreciation for my family without expecting anything in return. I know that I can deal with whatever feelings will come up.

Karin Goldgruber is a Certified Emotional Freedom Techniques practitioner who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People HSP who experience problems in their relationship because of this innate trait.
As a Highly Sensitive Person herself she has overcome many challenges and obstacles and encourages and empowers others to do the same.

www.karingoldgruber.com

I went MiA Missing in Austria for ten weeks

I left Canada in the beginning of May on hiatus and I went missing in action. I had plans to review the course that I had taken, read books for work, get new customers, walk every day, bike every day, write every day, draw every day,eat well, lose weight, write tons of articles, spend time with friends,while being back home, helping my aging parents.

You probably think it’s impossible to do all of it , every single day. It was.
Yet every vacation I have the same intentions and expectations for my time. A large amount of unstructured time always begs me to quickly fill it with work. It’s feels impossible not to fill those void spaces with plans.

I was brought up in a very productive, industrious family with mostly entrepreneurs and workaholics. Parts of me wants to be like everyone else and work, work, work, even during a vacation. I felt pressure to justify spending so much time with my parents.

Things went right already in the first two weeks. I spend a few days with my younger son in Vienna. We had no plans. And it was wonderful. We slept as long as we wanted. We ate when we were hungry. We walked the city streets, watched people. I loved it. We talked about everything and nothing. It was simple, yet it filled my heart and soul to the brim.

I had such ambitious plans for the rest of my stay, after he left.
Luckily those plans didn’t come to fruition. I wasn’t motivated to write, study and work every day, as my busy brain had planned. I slept in,and read, books I enjoyed. I swam in ice cold mountain rivers and lakes. I hiked through a canyon with my sisters. I ate an abundance of wild strawberries.

I felt guilty looking at my books and my laptop sitting lonely on my desk, waiting for me to work, yet I closed the door behind me and did what I really wanted and needed to do. I walked often with my mom. I watched TV with my dad. We played cards. I did seemingly unimportant, insignificant things.

Yet those things helped me to relax and to realize how stressed and worried I had been. It helped me to make my peace with their age and that things will change. But for now we are alive and we will do and say maybe unimportant things. Nothing spectacular, but real. Everyday life together. That’s more that I could have planned for.

Life goes on. With or without you

It’s so much easier to disconnect from a partner in advance, because of fear of rejection. We step back, scared, worried and expect to be hurt. We assume that they will reject us, because sometimes they did say no to spending time with us or making love. Somehow it’s so easy to take one no, or maybe later and see it as a rejection forever.

What was your big rejection that lead you to believe that nobody loves you? For me it was a month long separation from my parents when I was in hospital when I was only 7 months old. This separation was very traumatic for me and still influences my beliefs about myself, my relationship and all areas of my life.

It’s incredibly frustrating to see myself repeating certain behaviours again and again. I am aware of some of them. Using willpower and determination to change them will only bring me to a certain spot. There’s only so much willpower every day. It has been a struggle to stay connected most of my life. At the slightest signs of rejection I step back, afraid to be hurt. I expect to be rejected. Yet, again and again I come back from my emotional hiding place, trying to connect and stay connected.

However, I forget that life doesn’t stop for others, while I am hiding or away in another country or just at work. My life goes on as well. Yet, I expect them to drop everything when I am there, to be with me, like they couldn’t when I was fighting for my life in the hospital. As an adult I still try to fix a connection that broke, that was interrupted when I was little. Your interruption in connections probably looks different then mine. Staying connected to myself through writing, painting and Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping helps me to stay connected with the people I love. One moment at a time.

Life goes on. No matter what happens in our life, life goes on for all the people in our life.
It goes on and we have no choice. Life had to go on for my parents when I was lying in the hospital fighting for my life when I was little. They had no choice, they were not allowed to see me for a whole month. One weekly phone call, if they got through on the busy line, to find out how I was doing. Life went on. They had to take care of my three sisters, go to work and continue living. As long as we live we have no choice but to keep on living, to keep on going.

Life went on for me. Separated from my parents, fighting for my life. I don’t know exactly what happened to me during that time. I can only assume that the fear of hospitals that took me 18 years of conscious work to overcome, stems from that time. I recognized that fear while visiting someone in a hospital. Only after I gave birth to my youngest son, did I overcome that fear. Things that I experienced, lived, heard, saw, witnessed during that time still impact my life. It feels as if the memories formed layers in my personality. This experience shaped and formed me in ways I am mostly unaware off.

I always complain that my family’s lives goes on when I am in Austria to visit from Canada. As does my life most of the time when my family comes to visit me in Canada. Yet, I am always very hurt, when everyone continues to work, take vacations, meet friends and live their lives. Part of me expects them to stop their life when I come and just be here for me.

Like they couldn’t be when I was in the hospital. I am quite certain that I was on my parents mind a lot while I was there. This month of my life still influences how I think, feel and how I live my life now.
I have used EFT tapping to look at many different aspects of that time. I don’t know if I will ever be free of it nor if I want to be. I was all alone fighting for my life in that hospital and because of that I often feel disconnected from the family I love.

I could wish that this had never happened in my life. But it has happened and it brought me to where I am right now in my life. It influenced greatly how I have lived my life until now. I am not sure if I would change it or erase it if I could. I really don’t know. I know that it’s part of my life and that I can’t change that. However what I can do is to step away from feeling like a victim.

Through EFT tapping on different aspects of that time I have seen good things that came out of that time. My whole life it was easy for me to connect with strangers, even though I am a very shy person. I always knew who I could trust. Strangers have come into my life many times to help me when I needed help the most.
I never ever thought that something good would come out of that time.

I would have died if it wasn’t for all those strangers, who became like family, in a strange place that became my home for a short period in time. Since then, wherever I go in the world I feel at home, among strangers I always feel like I am with family.

How can I demand from others to put their lives on hold for me? No matter what’s going on in my life, my life always goes on.
It’s my choice to look at the trauma I have experienced. I choose to wake the sleeping giants, which influence my life. I want to face them head on. I have lived with their subconscious influence for way to long. Is it fun? Is it easy to deal with all the pain? No, but I don’t want to live with this chronic emotional pain and its effects any longer.
Will I be able to change everything? I have no clue. But, I would rather do this, then step back and let it run my life. This is my life and I choose how it goes on.

How our assumptions about ourselves shape our future

Very early in our lives we make assumptions about ourselves. Either on our own or somebody makes a comment about us and we believe what they say.
I learned very early on in my life that strangers are helpful and benevolent. I also was able to feel at home away from home very early. Those experiences were very strong and formed my beliefs. Again and again I had experiences that gave me more evidence that those assumptions were correct.

The more I believed it the more I saw them. I didn’t see any evidence to the contrary. Confirmation bias had a positive affect in those situations.

Yet there were other assumptions that had just the opposite effect. Because I was told that I was slow doing math, I became insecure and nervous about math. This kept slowing me down even more, giving me more evidence that supported that belief.
How many beliefs about ourselves are based on wrong evidence? How many influence our relationship in an unhealthy way? Have you ever questioned them?

Purposefully looking for evidence that supports positive beliefs about ourselves is a way to change the way we view ourselves.
Giving your partner the benefit of doubt can be one way to get positive evidence. Asking them to clarify what they said is another way to understand them better, without assuming the worst.
Whether you look for evidence that has a positive impact or negative impact, you will always find it. It’s up to you which one you look for.

You know you

I might as well give up. What am I doing here? I don’t know what I am doing. Totally shocked I realized that a strong comment of disagreement by a stranger had almost made me quit my business.
My earliest memory of trusting someone’s opinion more than mine is when I was in grade one. My teacher criticized the way I had colored circles. In order to fit in, also out of fear of being publicly shamed again, I started to do things the way authorities wanted me to. Again and again I went against my better judgement to please others. Increasingly, I forgot what made me happy and what I wanted. I bought into the idea that others know me better than I do. I did what was expected of me. When I listened to myself and made decisions that made me happy, my family shook their heads in disbelief.
I stopped asking why. I didn’t question the status quo. I accepted that this is how things were done.
I have ignored my own judgments in order to avoid critique, conflict and confrontation. I am in the process of unlearning this behaviour slowly, very slowly.
However, my business and my place in my familial and personal relationships are built upon my authenticity, if they weren’t they wouldn’t be mine. So, trusting my own decisions and staying true to myself is crucial.
I know me, you know you.