Do Highly Sensitive People only need to be with birds of the same feather?
Karin Goldgruber
Would it make sense as a Highly Sensitive Person HSP to only surround oneself with other HSPs and especially only choose an HSP partner?
Since many HSPs have felt like their family and friends, who often are not HSPs, never understood them, it would make a lot of sense. Finally someone who is just like you and understands you. Birds of a feather flock together after all.
It sounds so easy and peaceful. Speaking of peace, now there is a second person in the equation who gets easily overstimulated, overwhelmed and if they don’t know how to self regulate, someone who will definitely overreact. Sounds pretty peaceful to me.
Give me a level headed logical person, whose feathers are not easily ruffled, anytime. Let me deal with their incomprehension of my many deep, strong feelings and reactions when that happens. You may argue that’s most of the time. It’s difficult for a partner who is not a highly sensitive person to deal with, understand and accept someone who is quite the opposite of their logical self.
However there is a reason, they were attracted to the opposite of who they are. HSPs express many feelings very easily, having had practice all their life. That’s very attractive to someone who doesn’t notice the subtle things in their environment, who doesn’t feel things deeply or doesn’t even experience such a variety of feelings.
We often want what we are missing, from our partner. The Highly Sensitive Person is attracted to the calm, confident and focused person because that’s what they may miss in themself.
We all know that our partner can’t supply what we are missing, yet we keep trying. Like a bee humming and flying against a window again and again.
Being very emotional, often gives an HSP the attention they may have craved since childhood. Being very quiet, introspective and preferring to be alone it’s easy to be ignored and overlooked. Yet everyone needs and wants attention. Overreaction often achieves the goal, even though it’s not exactly what one wanted, but it’s much better than no attention at all.
This habit often carries over into adulthood unless self regulation is learned and practised. HSPs can be quite dramatic and then all the attention is on them in a relationship too many times.
The HSP can’t comprehend why their partner doesn’t understand their strong feelings, talking about them endlessly in an attempt to make their partner understand.
Something that was attractive and quite charming in the beginning of the relationship becomes frustrating and tiring over time. The HSP wants to be understood, no matter the cost and their partner just wants some peace and quiet and for once talk about something else then feelings.
Do we really have to understand every thought, feeling and opinion that our partner expresses?
There is a notion that understanding someone equals loving them. One can understand a stranger’s motives and feelings because they are like us yet that doesn’t mean one loves them.
Why can’t we accept that our partner is a separate person and we can love them even when we sometimes have no clue how they tick? Then it doesn’t matter if we are opposites or the same.
We see them as an individual and not as an appendix of our ego.
Imagine conversations, where we can be curious, about our different points of view, where there is no need to convince them, when we can enjoy our differences and our similarities. Then it doesn’t matter if we are opposite or birds of the same feather.
We accept who we are and do the same for our partner.
About the Author
Karin is a proud mother of two, a business owner, an immigrant, an avid hiker, a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and many other things. Growing up in Austria, she always felt she was different from others around her, but never quite knew why. It was only in her 40’s that Karin discovered the term HSP, what it meant, and how it applied to her. Gaining this new perspective has helped Karin to better understand herself and how others see her. Soon after learning about HSP’s, Karin learned about Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), which she has found is very helpful in addressing negative beliefs about herself and her past experiences. With her blogs and her business, Next Step Coaching, Karin seeks to help others learn more about HSPs, themselves, their beliefs about themselves, and to achieve the growth that she herself was able to realize by applying EFT. When writing her Blogs and working with clients, Karin does not seek to provide the answers, but rather to help her readers and clients find their own personal solutions for their unique circumstances.
Karin is a proud mother of two, a business owner, an immigrant, an avid hiker, a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and many other things….
Growing up in Austria Karin is a proud mother of two, a business owner, an immigrant, an avid hiker, a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and many other things. Growing up in Austria, she always felt she was different from others around her, but never quite knew why. It was only in her 40’s that Karin discovered the term HSP, what it meant, and how it applied to her. Gaining this new perspective has helped Karin to better understand herself and how others see her. Soon after learning about HSP’s, Karin learned about Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), which she has found is very helpful in addressing negative beliefs about herself and her past experiences. With her blogs and her business, Next Step Coaching, Karin seeks to help others learn more about HSPs, themselves, their beliefs about themselves, and to achieve the growth that she herself was able to realize by applying EFT. When writing her Blogs and working with clients, Karin does not seek to provide the answers, but rather to help her readers and clients find their own personal solutions for their unique circumstances.
